Here’s 5 tips that I’ve put together for any new dads out there that might be struggling.
1. Communication:
It might seem simple, but this is the main thing I find new parents struggle with. Your partner is absolutely knackered, been up all day and night feeding the baby, there’s shity nappies everywhere, constant crying, both parents are on edge and not at their prime for good communication. One thing that I’ve found useful is to try to explore the communication. Often, we find that what one person has said the other has heard something different.
For example, your partner might say something like “have you put the bottles in the steriliser”, but what you might hear is “come on you lazy bastard, you not done those bottles yet”. When we’re feeling fragile, we can become more sensitive and more prone to taking things the wrong way. This can lead to acting on what we think we heard rather than what we heard. This can often lead to arguments because we’re angry at what we think we’ve heard. Trying to stay calm and talk to your partner about what’s going on for you can really help.
2. Be prepared:
Another good tip for any new dad, is be prepared. If you are someone that has existing mental health issues, then it might be worth thinking about how parenthood might impact this. I’m not saying you need to panic but it’s just something to bear in mind. Perhaps you’ve had therapy in the past and learnt some coping strategies, if so, maybe have another look through them and start practising them again. You might have also found things like exercise help your mental health but have stopped this for a while, again, you could start these things again. If you take antidepressants, are you taking them regularly and could it be an opportunity to talk to your Dr about reviewing your medication? These are just some small things that could help you manage the change.
3. Acknowledge & try to embrace the change:
Yep, shit’s gonna change, whether you like it or not. I meet a lot of new dads who really struggle with the change. It can be a really hard thing to accept. Some blokes don’t accept the change which often leads to tension between them and their partner. Luckily for me, my eldest was born in the winter so bike season was off the cards anyway (yes fair-weather rider) but going out for days on the bike probably wouldn’t have gone down that well.
Seriously though, adjusting my expectations and working through this with my wife was really helpful. I think it’s important that we still do the things that help our mental health & in therapy world this would be called ‘self-care’. In my role as a therapist, I have met many new mums who are struggling with their partner due to him not changed his lifestyle. So, again it comes back to communication- discuss openly about what’s going on and ways you can work together in ensuring you both are getting your needs met.
3. Ask for help:
I have two kids myself, aged 10 & 5 and I know how hard I found it, particularly when my eldest was born. I was so excited to become a dad but found the change hard to deal with and was shocked by how much it affected me. In hindsight I wished I’d reached out and talked to someone about how I was feeling. Instead, I kept things to myself and struggled on, getting through day by day. It’s weird really because at that point I was a well-established therapist so, I would have thought I’d have had the insight to talk about my feelings! I suppose that goes to show how much of a head fuck it can be. Talking to friends and family can be really helpful, particularly if you have friends who have kids themselves.
Seeking professional help can also be a good idea too. Finding a therapist that can offer a non-judgemental space for you can be beneficial. I’ve worked with lots of new parents over the years and I’ve often found people can find it hard if that not enjoying being a parent. Family, friends, and work colleagues can be so pleased for us that we can find it hard to be honest about how were feeling. Maybe it’s OK to acknowledge that we’re not always that happy with being a parent. There’s a story in my family about my dad having to sell his motorbike to buy a washing machine when I was born. Though the story is told as a bit of fun, I’m pretty sure there was some mild resentment and disappointment about selling the bike!
5. Paternity leave
This one might be a bit late if you’re a dad reading this after the event, but mate book a few weeks off work! It’s crazy how many dads I’ve met over the years who have planned to just take a couple of days off after D-Day. Those first few weeks can be difficult adjusting to a new way of life and throwing work into the mix too can be mental. On a more positive note, those days & weeks are so special and an amazing time to bond with the little person in your life and you’ll never get that time back again.